Reflection...

I try to find quiet time (which, as you can imagine is hard to come by around here!) to reflect now and again. I reflect on my life in general most of the time. Am I where I thought I would be with my life? Am I happy in my career? Am I a good wife? Do I call my mother enough? But mostly I wonder "am I a good mother"? I am sure, at least I hope, that all other mothers out there have asked themselves this same question at least once. I know my husband tells me he thinks I am a great mother and my mother tells me (even from afar) she thinks I am a good mother, and I hope someday when Jack is old enough, he too, will tell me I am a good mother. But for now, I rely on what I believe a good mother should be and do and sit back to reflect on whether or not I am living up to my own expectations.


For those of you who know me well, you know that I usually set expectations high, very high, especially when they are for myself. I know I am not a perfect mother, I mean, is there really such a thing? I have lost my patience a time or two. I have raised my voice unnecessarily. I have not given my undivided attention when I should have. But, in recognizing these shortcomings, I strive to not repeat them. I am trying to teach myself to put myself in my children's shoes and look at how, if I were them, would I want my mother to react to the situation at hand. Now, of course, I know that given the choice, my 3 year old would never go to time out again, but that isn't going to happen, I can pretty much promise you! However, I do try to remember to bring myself down to eye level with him when we talk, especially when disciplining, so he doesn't feel so over powered. I explain that it isn't him, but his actions, that I am upset with. How I love him doesn't change, but how I feel about his behavior does. I apologize when I don't react in a way that is becoming and explain that mommy also makes mistakes and has to say she is sorry.

I want to raise an independent, confidant young man that never doubts the unmeasurable, unconditional love his parents have for him. I never thought trying to find that balance would be so difficult. I know that probably sounds nutty. I mean, don't get me wrong, I knew being a parent would not be easy. I had heard it would be the most difficult job I would ever do, and it is, though it is also, by far, the most rewarding. But I really didn't expect to struggle with my everyday decisions.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, my children know they are loved. My sun rises and sets with my 3 children. My day is the best it can be when I awake to those 3 smiling faces and kiss them while tucking them in each and every night. I am blessed beyond belief and hope that my children know or will at least someday understand, just how much I love them. It may not be for a long, long time, but I just hope someday they understand. I know I didn't truly comprehend the magnitude of how my mother loves me until Jack was born. I pray someday my children experience the feeling of realization I felt with knowing how much I loved my son (who was my only child at the time) was how much someone else loved me.